Todays Funny's

[Ruben Miranda]

Hello All
Just a little funny for the day

To crowded in heaven.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.

"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.


As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator......"

Hitman

[Flow]

[killahead]

Hah!

[klaaz]

made this working day a little easier with that smile on da face, thx

[Ruben Miranda]

Hello
Heres one you will like

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.


In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you Ole?"


Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"


"Well, let's see," Lena said, "it could be the open front door... it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs... it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house... it could be your bloodshot eyes... but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."

[Flow]

Humm, replace the drunk men by a blonde girl...

[killahead]

hah!

[Ruben Miranda]

Hello Guys


The Lone Ranger and Tonto


The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell
sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and
says, "Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies
and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that
Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
past three in the
morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and
we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have
a beautiful day
tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber then buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."


Hitman

[Steve]

LOL Ruben, thats a good one !!!

[killahead]

[Steve]

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Bilbo]

Deep.

[Ruben Miranda]

Hello
LMAO Steve.

Hitman

[noob1234]

Oupsie
LOL

[Flow]

LOL i work in publicity, no offence to gay, but i found this add funy!

(go to link, and click on video pict)

http://www.infopresse.com/article.aspx?id=18482

Watch the video 1st and read this after if you dont catch the joke :
The punch is that a little sperm guy find that he was in the wrong hole, hahaha... It an add for a Gay festival. That is well and nice done publicity.

[Ruben Miranda]

Hello
I was watching this show on how to find innerPeace if you are feeling overwhelmed then read on I will tell you what I did and I think it will help you.

Inner Peace

I think this may be worth trying!

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr.Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kailua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel!!!

Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.


Hitman

[Ruben Miranda]

Hello
Never drink and drive & always have a ?

DUI remedy


Only a person in TENNESSEE could think of this!
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport,
comes this absolutely true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in >>Paris,
Tennessee. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the
bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with
the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in
which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man
managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the car, swit ched the wipers on and off--it
was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off
a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and
then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the
other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car
left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the
road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now
Started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly
pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his
amazement, thebreathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had
consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll
have to ask& nbsp; you to accompany me to the police station. This
breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the
designated decoy."

Hitman

[killahead]

I did NOT see that one coming! hehehe

A real Sixth sense (the movie, you know) moment....

[Bilbo]

Hehe, good one!

[klaaz]

awesome story, looks like tenessee is a dutch town hahaha