What really happened in Monaco Qualifying 2006

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scuderiafn
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What really happened in Monaco Qualifying 2006

Post by scuderiafn »

We all thought we knew what happened, that Michael parked his car in Rascasse to prevent the other drivers from taking pole from him. But is that really the truth? Not according to Michael himself, as he explains in his diary.

Schumi's Sekret Diary: Monaco
Tuesday May 30 2006


Hello tifosis. I had a bit of a strange weekend, I can tell you. So far I have not revealed the true reason of what is happening to me in Rascasse on Saturday, but quite honestly and obviously I would like to get it all over my chest.

First of all I would like to thank the Ferrari pitcrew for going on the Planet-F1 poll and voting "No it was a complete accident." For the last two days.

Because this is truly what it was. I know many people have said many nasty things about what I did, but it is true. Keke Rosberg said it was the cheapest dirtiest trick, but what does he know about F1. When he was World Champion in 1982 he won it with only seven points, and three of those he got by converting Air Miles.

Jarno Trulli said if he was parking the car he could do it better, well maybe that's what he'll be doing for a living after this season.

Jacques Villebeuve said it was the most embarrassing thing he's ever seen. Well, he clearly hasn't seen Ron Dennis dance or Norbert Haug in his Bavarian weekend leisure lederhosen.

I challenged all the critics and said they should come up and tell me I'm a cheat to my face. All they have to do is get through the tight security around the outside of the Ferrari motorhome, fill in a "Schumi-you're-a-cheat" accreditation form and wait to hear back from Luca Colliani. Then we shall see, eh, eh. Yes. Come and have a go if you think you're firm enough!

Anyway, what was happening on my second hot lap, you are wanting to know...

It all started on the Friday, our day off. As you know in Monaco we practise on Thursdays and take Friday off, because it is traditional in Monaco that nobody works on Friday because nobody has to do very much except scratch their arses and buy stuff.

As you know tifosis I despise tax exiles, I only live in Switzerland because of my great love of cuckoo clocks and the healthy environment.

Anyway, we had a hard promotional day and at the end of it, Luca, Chris, Ross and I decided to do what the old F1 drivers used to do - you know Jim Clark, Graham Hill, and Sterling Moss in the swinging 1960s - pay a visit to the Tip Top club. So, we got there and I had a couple of ginger beers while Ross helped Sterling Moss, who was still there chasing dolly birds on his Motability scooter.

I am not used to the fizzy bubbles and all of a sudden I am going dizzy and waking up in this hotel room in my underpants and there is this blonde model with enormous gazongas absolutely stark naked.

You know how Cora Schumacher looks a little bit like a porn star? Well, like that but classier. The kind of girl Kimi Raikkonen can't pull at a pole dancing club. And she is walking toward me saying: "Schumi, you have been very bad, I will have to tie you up now."

I can remember blurting out, "No, no, I tipped the waiter 20 euros, that is enough."

I tried to get up but I am so unused to intoxicating beverages that my legs are crumpling downwards and my nose is getting parked in between these massive mountainous norks.

At which point Chris Dyer my engineer comes in and rescues me before she can take the video for News of the World or F1 Racing Magazine, whichever it is.

Now, you know your Schumi. On the Saturday I am totally focused on the job in my hands and I have already secured the pole position. For the second run I am travelling at speed towards the Rascasse when suddenly I get to the hairpin and look up. There, on the balcony, is the blonde with the enormous norks waving her mobile phone at me and dressed in nothing but earrings and a big smile.

The shock is so great that I stamp on the brake pedal and lock the brakes, (as you have seen on TV) then my mind goes blank and all of a sudden I have wandered towards the wall like Yuji Ide on one of his better laps.

I stagger out of the car and everybody is shouting, "You parked the car, you cheat," while I am secretly thinking 'I hope the blonde with the enormous norks hasn't got any photos'.

So when people ask me what happened, I can hardly tell them about my hotel romp, so this is a very big problem. Because Lieblings Pudgie Wudgie Donut Face will be raising the drawbridge at Schloss Schumi if she finds out. So I have to stay tight lipped. I cannot tell Max what really happened, because then he would tell matt Bishop.

Ross has told the pitcrew but everyone is sworn to secrecy. Even Jean doesn't know.

Thankfully I am lucky to have the support of some understanding tifosis like you, who know I am not just fabricating an elaborate cover story because secretly I was actually cheating, which quite honestly and obviously I wasn't.

You are the very best tifosis a Schum could ask for

Keep on voting on those polls, to clear your Schum's name.

The Schum
NAR Euro Scuderia Ferrari Marlboro # 5
Cue-bitzer hit Bådää into T1, causing Fart-in-Source to get by!
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Bilbo
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Re: What really happened in Monaco Qualifying 2006

Post by Bilbo »

If it were really what happened, then I'd have more respect for him! :twisted: :lol:
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